22 PUNCHMAGAZINE.COM {sloane citron} that I don’t really need? It’s like when I get an emergency text message from one of my kids and the emergency is that they need me to babysit that evening because there’s a PTA meeting and these days, it is imperative that both parents attend so that you can show the teachers how much you care— so much that one parent can’t possibly communicate the PTA message to the other parent. Maybe to them that is an emergency, but of course, it’s not an emergency at all. I’d rather they save those bold statements for when one of their crazy sons attempts to jump across a rock pond, misses and breaks two teeth. Then someone needs to watch their other kids while they both go to the emergency room. Now that’s an emergency I can get behind. Ideally, if I got a real emergency call from my daughter, right about then I’d get a dubious call from my dentist labeled “HEALTH CARE.” I could answer the phone and simply say, “Please hold while I connect you” in my most officialsounding voice, press ADD CALL and then merge the two of them. Then, before hanging up, I’d tell the dentist woman that I’m giving up my cleaning appointment and gifting it to my grandson with the broken teeth. In those cases, I’m happy for them to use the “HEALTH CARE” moniker when they call. But, otherwise, my nagging prefrontal cortex, where stuff like this gets digested, concludes that I don’t think my dentist should be using the “HEALTH CARE” label since I don’t want to think that it’s Stanford telling me that my heart needs critical attention when it’s simply my dentist trying to get me to come in for a deep clean. After all, I’m trying to keep my lying under control. Iwas in PUNCH’s conference room when my phone—located somewhere on my desk—started ringing. I got up to see who was calling so that I could decide if it was answer-worthy. “HEALTH CARE” appeared on my screen in bold capital letters, making itself seem important, perhaps even urgent. When Stanford Medicine is calling to schedule, say, a CAT scan for one of my breaking parts or to tell me my doctor has an opening right away, “HEALTH CARE,” is what comes up on my phone. I’m not sure why Stanford does this; either they want to block their number or they want to grab my attention so that I won’t think it’s spam. I make a quick attempt to answer the call before it goes to voicemail. It might be important, and if I miss it, I’m forced to make the tedious effort to get back in touch with said medical people. So, as my screen flashes “HEALTH CARE,” I slide that little button over to answer. “Hello, is this Sloane?” an anonymous voice asks. And in a merry, upbeat voice she says, “It’s time for your teeth cleaning and I wanted to see if I could put you down on the schedule.” I mumbled something about not having my calendar in front of me and that I would call back, which was a lie. I was not planning to call back at all. I don’t mind a cleaning, but I have good teeth. It’s one of my better traits: no cavities ever and no braces. Though, because I used to clench my teeth in my younger, stress-infused days, I somewhat destroyed my back molars and now have three implants. But besides all that, I have good teeth. When I go for my cleaning, they always say the same thing: “You have great teeth and wow, it’s amazing that you don’t produce much plaque at all.” Because of this repetitive statement, I decided that I don’t really need to go twice a year—once a year is fine. But, instead of explaining this to the woman making the calls that morning, I just lie instead. I could have been honest with her, but sometimes I find myself lying for no real reason at all. It just happens. In this case, the lie at least served a purpose of sorts. Later that night, I started thinking about this dentist’s use of “HEALTH CARE” on my phone screen and I decided I didn’t like it. No sir. No ma’am. Just didn’t sit right with me, like an email that tells you that the IRS wants to discuss something and you open it to find a bunch of malarkey about you not paying your taxes for the past five years and that you’d best call back immediately so that you don’t go straight to prison. Certainly, dentistry is part of our health system, but was it okay, I asked myself, to use the “HEALTH CARE” message to get me to answer the phone so that they could convince me that it was time for a teeth-cleaning health care
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