struggling through it, they will begin to internalize it. That means what we do in the heat of the moment matters. One of the most powerful things a parent can do in the moment of a child’s dysregulation is pause. When a child lashes out, overreacts, or says something that pushes your buttons, your first job is to take a breath. Even a two-second pause gives your brain time to reset before reacting. That small space can be the difference between a thoughtful response and something said in frustration that can make the situation worse. This does not mean avoiding the issue or staying completely passive or silent. You can still hold firm limits and clear expectations, but deliver them in a calm, steady tone to communicate a sense of safety and control without escalation. Saying something like, “I see you’re upset. We’ll talk when you’re calm,” does far more than yelling ever will. who had more difficulty regulating, meaning those who felt easily overwhelmed or lacked strategies to manage distress tended to use harsher, rejecting, or withdrawn responses. Their children were more likely to struggle with both internalizing symptoms (e.g., sadness, worry, or withdrawal) and externalizing ones (e.g., aggression, tantrums, or defiance). This held true across ages. In younger children, parent regulation was more clearly linked to tantrums and behavioral problems. In older children and teens, it was tied more strongly to emotional shutdown, self-criticism, and difficulty bouncing back from stress. What Should Parents Do? Parents do not need to be calm all the time. But what does help is practicing the same emotional skills we hope our kids will learn. Emotional regulation is not something children figure out on their own. As they watch and experience us Children express stress in many ways—understanding the root emotion is key. 154 HAWAII PARENT September/October 2025 "Parents who managed their emotions well were more likely to use warm, consistent, supportive parenting strategies."
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