76 HAWAII PARENT July/August 2025 “Stop slamming doors!” we can respond with, “I see you’re so upset that you slammed the door, but it is not okay to let out anger this way.” This response allows you to establish clear boundaries and acknowledge their emotion at the same time. When we stay calm, we are modeling the kind of emotional regulation skills that we want them to learn. A good rule of thumb when handling children’s frustration is that the more upset they are, the more we need to stay calm and grounded. This can help our children feel safe, which in turn allows them to listen more readily. So How Do I Start? Begin with small steps. Try slowing down before you react to a misbehavior, or an argument. Listen and encourage your child to share their thoughts first before you tell them how they should act. Provide clear expectations and follow through calmly and consistently. When you make these changes, your child will notice and begin to respond accordingly. It is no secret that being a parent is stressful, and we can easily lose sight of the bigger picbetter if they just tried. It is not uncommon to hear comments like, “Oh, my kid’s just being lazy,” or “If he really wanted to, he could do so much better.” But when a child does not meet expectations, we need to ask: Why can’t they right now? Not, Why won’t they? When we assume that a child is being difficult on purpose, we might overlook what is going on beyond their behavior. Often, their inability to comply is not due to their defiance, but a reflection of how their brain and body are reacting in the moment. Stress, fatigue, or emotional overload can make it hard for them to make the right choice in the moment, even if they want to. A more helpful question to ask is: What might be getting in the way, and how can I help them overcome this hurdle? It’s Hard to Talk to Kids… They Just Don’t Listen! To discipline our children does not mean we need to be stern or harsh. In fact, discipline is most effective when we are firm and warm. We can set limits without yelling or using threats. Instead of saying “Setting clear expectations is important, but it only works well when we follow through with them consistently” Behavior is often the tip of the iceberg. Underneath are emotions, needs, or skills they haven’t developed yet.
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