but it only works well when we follow through with them consistently. Children are more likely to act reasonably when they know what to expect. If rules and consequences keep changing, they get confused and start testing boundaries to see what might happen. Minor inconsistencies, like saying yes to video games one day and no the next, or allowing snacks before meals depending on our mood, may not seem like a big deal in the moment, but they can make children more likely to push back as there are no hard rules to rely on. Research shows that when children are rewarded inconsistently, their behavior often gets worse. On the other hand, when parents are consistent and predictable, children tend to feel safer, more cooperative, and better able to thrive. They Just Need to Try Harder! Many parents eagerly want their child to do well. That desire can turn into frustration when it feels like the child could do avoid getting in trouble. So, instead of asking, “How can I get them to obey?” try asking, “What do I want them to understand from this?” And before reacting, consider what might be getting in the way. Could they be tired, overstimulated, or simply not equipped yet to meet the demand? When we pause to look beyond the behaviors, we can respond in ways that support learning and meaningful change. Why Do I Tell Them the Same Thing Over and Over? Two key ingredients of effective discipline are being specific and consistent. Being specific means telling our children exactly what we expect in a way that is clear and achievable. Instead of saying, “Stop moving around,” we can say, “Please stay in your chair until you’ve finished eating. When you’re done, you can get up.” This gives them a clear picture of what we need them to do. Setting clear expectations is important, “When we use fear or shame to change behavior, children may comply quickly, but they do not learn why their behavior matters” 74 HAWAII PARENT July/August 2025 Discipline starts with connection. When children feel seen and understood, they’re more open to guidance.
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