July/August 2025 HAWAII PARENT 73 For many of us, the word discipline brings back memories of how we were raised. Time-outs, things being taken away, or maybe even yelling or physical punishment. But real discipline is not all about removing privileges or enforcing rules. It is about helping children grow by reaching goals, developing positive values, and meeting appropriate social expectations. So how do we do that? Let’s walk through some important ideas and practical strategies that parents can use in everyday life. How Can I Get Through to My Child? Before we talk about changing behavior, we have to start with building connections. To connect with a child means to tune in to their world and understand where they are coming from. When a child is emotionally connected to a parent, they feel safe, heard, and seen. Studies show that when a child experiences emotional safety, the brain’s amygdala, also known as the “alarm system” for danger, becomes less reactive. This gives the child more mental space to slow down and listen to suggestions. How do we build that connection? By hearing our children’s thoughts, empathizing with their emotions, and asking questions that show we are genuinely interested in their inner world. Once we build this bridge between their experience and ours, children will be more willing to engage with us, simply because they feel validated and understood. A simple “That must’ve been really frustrating,” or “What was on your mind when that happened?” can open the door to much deeper conversations. I Know He’ll Listen if I Just Take His iPad Away It is tempting to stop a behavior by jumping into action. This may mean taking away the tablet, threatening with serious consequences, or raising our voices. These strategies often work temporarily in the moment, which is why they are so appealing. But getting a quick fix does not help our children understand and learn what’s more significant. When we use fear or shame to change behavior, children may comply quickly, but they do not learn why their behavior matters. They simply know what to do in the moment to by Elsa Lee, Ph.D.
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