118 HAWAII PARENT July/August 2025 Connection, not control. Teens don’t need perfect parents. They need ones who listen, even when it’s hard. Knock gently later. It’s not permissive. It’s patient and patience creates safety. Talking back is often an effort to stand up for themselves. Teens are learning how to express disagreement and separate from the family. This is individuation in real time. Teens are practicing and they don’t always have the emotional maturity to do it gracefully. Make it about connection, not a power struggle. You can say, “It’s okay to disagree” or “You’re allowed to be upset, not unkind” or “Let’s take a break and circle back later. I don’t want either of us to say something we regret.” Timing is everything. Just because you’re ready to discuss something doesn’t mean your teen is. Choosing your moment matters just as much as choosing your words. And knowing yourself, and your teen, matters most. You don’t need to deliver an analysis. In fact, don’t. They already know what you are going to say. They will tune out a long lecture. Instead, offer a steady presence and a few words that open the door. You might say, “That was a tough moment,” and let that be enough. Or speak to their future, more capable, regulated self— without being condescending. Something like, “I know this was hard. And I know how capable you are.” When you make space for their experience while holding respectful boundaries, you model something special. Teens do as you do, not as you say. This part is hard, and it’s also the powerful part. If you respond to disrespect with more disrespect, you create a loop, but if you meet their chaos with calm, it’s a gift they’ll carry. You’ve got to be real though because teens can sense an agenda. This might sound like, “Wow, that got heated. I am gonna step away, but I know we will figure this out together.” Your steadiness becomes their anchor as their inner world is spinning. When your teen loses it and you stay centered— not cold or checked out, but truly steady— you’re showing them how to regulate. When you see what’s underneath, you “When your teen loses it and you stay centered – not cold or checked out, but truly steady – you’re showing them how to regulate”
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