116 HAWAII PARENT July/August 2025 Parenting teens starts with knowing yourself. Emotional maturity is something we model, not demand. hijacking logic and amplifying emotions. That means they’re more likely to react before reflecting. Adolescents care about how they’re perceived, even if they pretend not to. I’ve heard it almost every day for years now. They don’t want to disappoint you and they don’t have space to carry your emotions on top of their own. They’re already figuring out where they fit and how much control they have over their lives. Their sass might be a bid for power. Their silence might be a shield. Their sarcasm could be covering pain. The invitation is to meet the moment instead of trying to manage it. It’s important to distinguish emotional expression from defiance. Of course, these behaviors can’t run wild and it is important to pay attention if it’s happening frequently, but they also don’t always need immediate correction. Teens need a parent who is grounded when things get heated and who sees the behavior as part of the process, not a personal attack. As invitations to grow together. This can be challenging to remember in moments when you aren’t well rested or resourced. Most eye rolls say, “I already know this.” It’s often self-protection in a moment when they feel powerless or embarrassed. Instead of snapping back with “Don’t roll your eyes at me,” try, “Your eyes are telling me this is frustrating.” Or simply say, “I know you already know this.” Sometimes statements land better than questions. Sometimes silence says more. Let the dust settle. If you want your teens to pause out in the world, when you’re not there, show them how, now. Usually, a slammed door is a need for space and no idea how to ask for it. Maybe they’re at their edge. This can be a punctuation mark in a sentence they don’t have words for. It might mean, “I feel unheard” or “I’m overwhelmed.” You might want to chase or yell, especially if that’s the reaction you got as a kid. You don’t need to overreact or pendulum swing to passive parenting. Instead, calm your own body. Honor their need for space when possible. “Teens need a parent who is grounded when things get heated and who sees the behavior as part of the process, not a personal attack”
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